The Inspirational, Motivational Shit On the Internet, and Your Lazy Ass

Hey, you! Remember that time you found that list of super inspirational memes on the internet, shared it on Facebook, turned off your computer, and went outside and changed your life and the world around you? No? How about that time you watched that video of a terminally-ill father walking his daughter down the aisle, and that made you think about how short life is, so you dropped everything and followed your dreams? You don’t remember that? Oh! What about the time you read that article about current, legal practices which undermine our democracy, which totally infuriated you, so you organized like-minded members of your community and staged a protest in your city?…

YEAH, I DON’T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT SHIT EITHER, Y’DAMN ROBOTS!

Every single day, my Facebook feed is filled with a dozen extreme and motivational stories. Guy loses his leg, runs a marathon 6 weeks later; lady in wheelchair doing pullups with the wheelchair dangling off of her legs with the quote “what’s your excuse?”; endless photos of a beautiful nature scene and some bullshit quote by Steve Jobs about the key to success; a list of how to make the very best of your 20’s or 30’s, how to save all your money and be rich, how to become self motivated and change the whole world, and on and on and on and on.

And personally, I eat this shit right UP. When I see one of these posts, I always click on it. Sometimes I, too,  share it on social media – if it’s a really good one. I’ve accumulated countless hours of looking at this stuff. If you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve done the same.

It seems to me that this type of super motivational shit is more prevalent than ever. If you’re online, especially social media, you literally can’t escape it. So, my question is, why, with all this motivational bullshit in our faces all the time, are we all not out changing our lives and the world? Why aren’t we all donating our time to charities, starting Fortune 500 companies from our garage, getting involved in political movements? Why aren’t we all doing what we love? Why are we wasting even a minute of our lives?

Before I go any further, I’d like to point out how right now would be a great time to turn this post into one exactly like those to which I’m referring, but that’s not my goddamn point. Aren’t you listening?

Here’s my point: This instant-gratification, life-changing, 3-minute-video motivational bullshit is not going to change anything about you. As you may know, we’re kind of super fucking lazy. We are an extremely connected group of disconnected people. We look at all this feel-good bullshit online and we feel like better people afterwards. That’s why we keep coming back. It feels great to care about something for a minute, but stay at a safe enough distance to know you won’t be affected. For a split second there, you think to yourself, “man, I want to do something like this!” or, “I want to get involved in this.” That feels great, you had a strong emotional response, and you realize that you’re a pretty good person. Then you click on the next video of cats chasing a laser,  which also feels good in a slightly different way.

It’s just much easier to read an article about how to live the life you want to live, imagine yourself doing that for a couple minutes, then going about your day as usual, as opposed to getting off your ass and actually getting involved in something rewarding. It’s far easier to watch people helping other people than to help other people yourself. Now, I’m sure some of you are actually involved in some things you care about. You work to better yourself. You vote. Some of you might actually look at motivational internet garbage and go outside and do something meaningful, hell, I don’t know your life. I’m speaking in generalities here, people.

I just find it very interesting how motivated we are to search for the motivation to be the highly motivated people we wish we were.

So, if you want to know what I suggest you do to really change your life and become that awesome person you want to be, here it goes: How the fuck should I know? We’re all different. We’re all motivated in different ways. All I know is thinking about doing something is nice, but it’s not the same as doing something. We should probably try to substitute the good feelings we get from looking at this internet garbage with the good feelings we get from actually doing stuff. Myself included.

Thanks for reading my bullshit, now leave me alone, I still have, like, half of the entire series of X-Files to get through on Netflix, and I’ve just become highly motivated to get to work on solving this problem.

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People You Shouldn’t Trust

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Trust is probably a good thing in a lot of instances. I’ve always heard you should trust someone until they give you a reason not to. That’s a great idea, unless of course that person is a really good liar.. Either way..

I generally believe that people are sort of honest most of the time, and overall not so bad. For that reason, I think it’s a good policy to give people the benefit of the doubt. However, there are some people who should never be trusted under any circumstances. Maybe you’re thinking this sounds very closed-minded of me. Maybe you’re thinking I’m about to generalize large groups of people on a very shallow basis. Maybe you’re right.

Here’s how I see it: everyone has some giveaway traits that allow you to see straight to the core of that person’s being. These can be good and bad, of course. For instance, you go into someone’s apartment. It’s very clean. You think, “Ah, how nice, they are very clean. They are most likely pretty organized and detail oriented, blah blah, whatever.” Or, for example, let’s say you’re friend offers to give you a ride. You’ve never been in their car before. They pull up, you open the door, and you find realize they drive a dumpster.

Yes, I’m judging you a little bit. This provides me with information that tells me who you are. If you’re driving around in a car straight out of an episode of Hoarders, I know you are one of, if not all of the following: lazy, gross, SUPER fucking busy, or you just don’t give a shit.

A dirty car is one thing, but in my eyes, it’s not going to make me lose all trust in you as a rational human being. Yes, I’ll definitely give you shit about it. Yes, it’s a pet peeve of mine, but I can get over it. However, for some, your dirty ass car might change their outlook on you forever.

Which brings me to my point. Here are some of the things that, if they apply to you, I personally can’t trust you. Can’t do it. In my opinion, because you fall into one of these categories, you are a reckless human being, and I now question every other decision you make. Now, some of these may sound a bit more serious than others, but in my opinion, these sins are all equally unforgivable. Because we all know the internet loves a good list, here are my top 10 in no particular order:

People who open food items poorly. You cannot possibly open a bag of chips without DESTROYING the bag. When you open the cereal, it looks like you cut the bag vertically with a dull pocket knife, and let the contents fall into the box, as if that’s the way it should be done. You are a crazy person. Are you going to eat the entire box of cereal right now, or do you just love stale Lucky Charms? I don’t trust you. You’re reckless.

Politicians. I don’t think I need to elaborate on this one. No matter who they are, if they are a part of the current system of government, can’t trust ’em. Not even a little. Maybe if you can find me a politician who doesn’t take copious amounts of money from huge corporate donors, then maybe they can be trusted a little. Good luck.

People who leave the cap off of a bottle of soda. First of all, I can’t fathom how you got this lazy. What brought you to this point? You know you’re increasing the chances of that drink spilling all over the fucking place by at least 100%, right? “I’m careful.” My ass. You’re a loose fucking cannon, that’s what you are.

Bad tippers. Unless your server literally told you to go fuck yourself, you probably have no reason to be such a shitty tipper. You try to justify your actions, “yeah, they just weren’t that great, she wasn’t very helpful, he was short with me, they forgot my chips, it took an awful long time, blah blah blah, etc” BULLSHIT. When was the last time you tipped really well? Has that ever happened? Does your server have to give you exceptional, top-notch service for you to be willing to give them the socially acceptable minimum tip? Do they need to suck your dick under the table to get 20%? Fuck you. You either look for a reason to be cheap, or you are admittedly a dick. Either way, I don’t trust you, you’re a bad person.

People who eat in the car on their way home from the drive-thru. I’m speaking only of the people who drove 5-10 minutes to the drive-thru and simply cannot wait that same 5-10 minutes to get home before cramming their entire meal into their stupid face. YOU SERIOUSLY CAN’T WAIT THAT LONG? You’d rather drop fries and shit deep down between your car seats where you know you’ll never clean it out, so your car has this deep-fried KIA smell for the rest of eternity. The only time this is okay is when you’re eating an ice cream cone, and it’s hot as shit out, but even then, you’ve made a bad decision in the first place. You’re impatience is legendary, and now I can’t trust you, you devilish maniac.

Republicans. “Whoa, Tyler, are you seriously saying you don’t trust a single Republican?” Yes, everyone who identifies as a member or supporter of the GOP. I just don’t trust you at all and I couldn’t if I tried. You have obviously either completely lost all touch with reality, or you’re extremely rich and doing your best to take advantage of the working class and elderly populations by playing on their emotional weaknesses. Maybe it’s not your fault; you’ve been swept up into the media frenzy, you’ve bought what’s being sold, in which case your problem is you’re too trusting. Maybe you are “a Republican, but I’m fiscally conservative and socially liberal”, in which case, you’re not a Republican, you’re probably a Libertarian. But there’s good news; unless the GOP changes dramatically in the coming years, it will completely die out, which is something to look forward to. Anyway, sorry, I can’t trust you.

People who wipe their ass standing up. Nope. No way. There is no way you’re cleaning anything. I mean, it doesn’t take a physicist to understand that you’re getting zero leverage when you stand up and close up your ass cheeks, then try to reach back up in there, fighting to get past your butt fat… it just doesn’t make any fucking sense! If this is how you live your life, how can I trust you with anything? Go take a shower, you animal.

Super religious people. “Hey now, buddy, I know a lot of great religious people. Are you serious?” Yep, might step on some toes with this one, but we all know I’m kinda into that. In this group, I’m focusing mainly on my friends the Christians, but more specifically, the folks who use their religion to oppress others and to justify their ignorance and hatred. AKA the least Christ-like people in the world. Also, anyone who buys into blind faith as a decent policy, people who believe every word of the Bible to be true, people who believe if you don’t believe what they do you’re going to “Hell”, so on and so forth. Obviously, these people can’t be trusted because they refuse to make reasonable decisions.

People who are always grammatically incorrect. Everybody makes mistakes. No one is perfect here. However, some of you are unbelievable. It’s like you’re doing it on purpose. Maybe grammar just doesn’t matter anymore in “the digital age” or what the fuck ever you want to call it. I personally think the #YOLO generation is killing grammar, because #YOLO. Look, all I’m asking is that you work on “your and you’re”, “to, two, and too”, and “there, their, and they’re”. That’s all I need from you. That, and use a comma once in a while. I can’t understand your dumb fucking run-on sentence Facebook status, and I can’t trust you.

The ultra-wealthy. “Tyler… are you a goddamned communist?” Now what would give you that impression!? No, folks, I’m not a communist, I just see some problems with our current political and economic system, and I think many of those problems can be a attributed to this small group, which effectively holds all the power in our “democracy”. See, when our economy is essentially run by a small group of large corporations, and when these same corporations are able  to donate as much money as they want to our politicians in order to get them elected, our entire democracy is undermined, and the interests of the people are forgone in place of the interests of the private sector. Now, we know that when the middle class thrives, so does the entire economy. We also know that since public policy has shifted toward benefiting only the interests of the private sector, this just hasn’t been the case. So, because I’m poor myself, I just can’t trust the ultra-wealthy.

Hopefully, I haven’t offended anyone here, but if I have, it’s because you’re an untrustworthy, crazy person, and you need to change your reckless lifestyle. You should stop it.

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America is Number One!

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You know, you just don’t hear about how great the United States is anymore. I mean, really, when was the last time you were out on the street, and suddenly everybody broke out into a “U!S!A!” chant? Too long, I’m sure! This, my friends, is a full-blown national crisis, and I simply cannot abide it.

Yes, the entire world still knows we’re number one, but I feel like we never rub it in their stupid faces anymore. It’s like we’ve decided as a nation to “rise above” that, which, in my mind, is a nice way of saying, we’re going soft. I mean, how else are we supposed to assert our dominance over every other country without a nice, hardy bitchslap from time to time?

Well, America, you’re welcome, because I’m prepared to do just that! Freedom is not free, after all. I’m writing this blog to remind all you other bullshit “countries” out there who’s still the fuckin’ boss! SPRINGSTEEN STYLE! You get what I’m saying…

Let me break y’all off a piece by starting off with some international rankings in which the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA tops the fuckin’ charts. I found another great blog called “Ranking America” that has broken it all down for your viewing pleasure, which I used to cite all these great sources.

Alright, other countries, read ’em and weep:

The U.S. ranks 1st in women’s Olympic figure skating gold medals –

*Suck it, East Germany.

The U.S. ranks 1st in the super rich –

*What’s really impressive about this statistic, is that it’s only made up of 1% of our population. SAY WHAT!?

The U.S. ranks 1st in locking people up –

*KEEPING CRIME OFF THE STREETS, BATMAN STYLE, BITCHES!

The U.S. ranks 1st in wine consumption –

*This one is a no-brainer. Shit, I’ve got six boxes in the fridge right now.

The U.S. ranks 1st in plastic surgeons –

*Which leads me to my next point…

The U.S. ranks 1st in breast augmentation –

*Yeah, and probably first in super sexy, plump lips, too.

The U.S. ranks 1st in horse exports –

*WHAT Y’ALL KNOW ABOUT HORSES!?

The U.S. ranks 1st in death by violence –

*This is what I’m sayin’, don’t fuck with us. (I’m lookin’ at you, PUTIN.)

The U.S. ranks 1st in Christians –

*God damn right we do. AMEN.

The U.S. ranks 1st in Jewish population –

*L’CHAIM, JEW FRIENDS!

The U.S. ranks 1st in small arms imports –

*Duh, Second Amendment.

The U.S. ranks 1st in small arms exports –

*See above. ^

The U.S. ranks 1st in non-methane VOC emissions –

*What the fuck does that mean? Never mind that one, it sounds stupid.

The U.S. ranks 1st in cheese –

*Yeah, back to the real shit. SAY CHEESE, BITCHES!

The U.S. ranks 1st in oil consumption –

*That diesel don’t run on rays of sunshine, know what I mean?

The U.S. ranks 1st in hops –

*Because, BEER.

The U.S. ranks 1st in nuclear reactors –

*I think they misspelled “nuculer”, but #whatevs.

The U.S. ranks 1st in spiny-tailed lizards –

*I mean, that’s just fucking cool.

The U.S. ranks 1st in flourinated gas emissions –

*Is that even a real sentence?

The U.S. ranks 1st in GDP –

*TOUGH PILL TO SWALLOW, HUH CHINA?

The U.S. ranks 1st in pigeon imports –

*This explains New York.

The U.S. ranks 1st in natural gas consumption –

*SUCKS TO SUCK, RUSSIA.

I mean, COME ON! The hits just keep on comin’! This list could go on for days and days, literally. However, because I like to keep things fair and balanced, I’ll even throw out some things in which the U.S. of A. isn’t number one. That’s right, we’re so badass that we can highlight our LOWLIGHTS. Besides, most of that shit is dumb anyway, and we already got all the important ones out of the way (*ehem*, GDP, *cough*, super rich, *cough*).

Without further ad-… uh, adoo?… adyou?.. Fuck it, no more waiting, here you go:

The U.S. ranks 33rd in internet download speedsThe U.S. ranks 46th in freedom of the pressThe U.S. ranks 26th in child well-beingThe U.S. ranks 24th in literacyThe U.S. ranks 19th in perceived honestyThe U.S. ranks 27th in leisure and personal careThe U.S. ranks 17th in happinessThe U.S. ranks 99th in peacefulnessThe U.S. ranks 11th in working hardThe U.S. ranks 24th in freedom from corruptionThe U.S. ranks 9th in retirement securityThe U.S. ranks 6th in public expenditures on health careThe U.S. ranks 22nd in gender equalityThe U.S. ranks 10th in economic freedomThe U.S. ranks 29th in intellectual property protectionThe U.S. ranks 23rd in wage distributionThe U.S. ranks 31st in condom use at first sexThe U.S. ranks 10th in purchasing power of minimum wageThe U.S. ranks 11th in minimum wageThe U.S. ranks 125th in GDP growth per capitaThe U.S. ranks 7th in homicidesThe U.S. ranks 17th in educational performanceThe U.S. ranks 6th in military expendituresThe U.S. ranks 19th in state successThe U.S. ranks 12th in prosperityThe U.S. ranks 50th in erection lengthThe U.S.ranks 2nd in out of pocket health expensesThe U.S. ranks 3rd in liking the United States

Alright, like I said, there’s a bunch of the bullshit no one cares about. Also, like, most of those rankings are 3-4 years old now, so who gives a shit anyway, am I right?

Now that I laid the literal SMACKDOWN on you foreign dummies, let’s get that chant going from all the true Americans out there, from the mountains to the prairies…

U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A!

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FIRST BLOG

I AM BLOGGING.

I’ve never blogged before. I hate the word blog. I don’t think I have a very unique point of view. I am probably not very smart. I can’t roller skate.

BUT, I like to write down some of the bullshit that flies between my ears on occasion. If you would like to read aforementioned bullshit, I’d be flattered. This is where you’ll find it.

Generally, I like to talk about things that make us all uncomfortable: politics, religion, race, poverty, societal norms, gender, sex, drugs, capitalism, ya know, all the good stuff. One of my favorite pastimes is to point out how ignorant we all are, in a very sarcastic, sometimes hypocritical manner. If you follow me on all my other social media outlets (aka Myspace), you probably already know this about me.

I imagine (if I actually keep up with this bullshit) my posts will range from “dead serious” to “poop jokes”. I figure you can’t go wrong either way.

So, I guess I should say a little something of substance; after all, I’m going out of my way to make this first post, and you, for reasons I don’t understand, are still reading along. I’ll keep it short and sweet.

I say unto thee, dear blog reader, with all the gravitas which my generation prides itself in possessing:

#YOLO

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