America is Number One!


You know, you just don’t hear about how great the United States is anymore. I mean, really, when was the last time you were out on the street, and suddenly everybody broke out into a “U!S!A!” chant? Too long, I’m sure! This, my friends, is a full-blown national crisis, and I simply cannot abide it.

Yes, the entire world still knows we’re number one, but I feel like we never rub it in their stupid faces anymore. It’s like we’ve decided as a nation to “rise above” that, which, in my mind, is a nice way of saying, we’re going soft. I mean, how else are we supposed to assert our dominance over every other country without a nice, hardy bitchslap from time to time?

Well, America, you’re welcome, because I’m prepared to do just that! Freedom is not free, after all. I’m writing this blog to remind all you other bullshit “countries” out there who’s still the fuckin’ boss! SPRINGSTEEN STYLE! You get what I’m saying…

Let me break y’all off a piece by starting off with some international rankings in which the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA tops the fuckin’ charts. I found another great blog called “Ranking America” that has broken it all down for your viewing pleasure, which I used to cite all these great sources.

Alright, other countries, read ’em and weep:

The U.S. ranks 1st in women’s Olympic figure skating gold medals –

*Suck it, East Germany.

The U.S. ranks 1st in the super rich –

*What’s really impressive about this statistic, is that it’s only made up of 1% of our population. SAY WHAT!?

The U.S. ranks 1st in locking people up –


The U.S. ranks 1st in wine consumption –

*This one is a no-brainer. Shit, I’ve got six boxes in the fridge right now.

The U.S. ranks 1st in plastic surgeons –

*Which leads me to my next point…

The U.S. ranks 1st in breast augmentation –

*Yeah, and probably first in super sexy, plump lips, too.

The U.S. ranks 1st in horse exports –


The U.S. ranks 1st in death by violence –

*This is what I’m sayin’, don’t fuck with us. (I’m lookin’ at you, PUTIN.)

The U.S. ranks 1st in Christians –

*God damn right we do. AMEN.

The U.S. ranks 1st in Jewish population –


The U.S. ranks 1st in small arms imports –

*Duh, Second Amendment.

The U.S. ranks 1st in small arms exports –

*See above. ^

The U.S. ranks 1st in non-methane VOC emissions –

*What the fuck does that mean? Never mind that one, it sounds stupid.

The U.S. ranks 1st in cheese –

*Yeah, back to the real shit. SAY CHEESE, BITCHES!

The U.S. ranks 1st in oil consumption –

*That diesel don’t run on rays of sunshine, know what I mean?

The U.S. ranks 1st in hops –

*Because, BEER.

The U.S. ranks 1st in nuclear reactors –

*I think they misspelled “nuculer”, but #whatevs.

The U.S. ranks 1st in spiny-tailed lizards –

*I mean, that’s just fucking cool.

The U.S. ranks 1st in flourinated gas emissions –

*Is that even a real sentence?

The U.S. ranks 1st in GDP –


The U.S. ranks 1st in pigeon imports –

*This explains New York.

The U.S. ranks 1st in natural gas consumption –


I mean, COME ON! The hits just keep on comin’! This list could go on for days and days, literally. However, because I like to keep things fair and balanced, I’ll even throw out some things in which the U.S. of A. isn’t number one. That’s right, we’re so badass that we can highlight our LOWLIGHTS. Besides, most of that shit is dumb anyway, and we already got all the important ones out of the way (*ehem*, GDP, *cough*, super rich, *cough*).

Without further ad-… uh, adoo?… adyou?.. Fuck it, no more waiting, here you go:

The U.S. ranks 33rd in internet download speedsThe U.S. ranks 46th in freedom of the pressThe U.S. ranks 26th in child well-beingThe U.S. ranks 24th in literacyThe U.S. ranks 19th in perceived honestyThe U.S. ranks 27th in leisure and personal careThe U.S. ranks 17th in happinessThe U.S. ranks 99th in peacefulnessThe U.S. ranks 11th in working hardThe U.S. ranks 24th in freedom from corruptionThe U.S. ranks 9th in retirement securityThe U.S. ranks 6th in public expenditures on health careThe U.S. ranks 22nd in gender equalityThe U.S. ranks 10th in economic freedomThe U.S. ranks 29th in intellectual property protectionThe U.S. ranks 23rd in wage distributionThe U.S. ranks 31st in condom use at first sexThe U.S. ranks 10th in purchasing power of minimum wageThe U.S. ranks 11th in minimum wageThe U.S. ranks 125th in GDP growth per capitaThe U.S. ranks 7th in homicidesThe U.S. ranks 17th in educational performanceThe U.S. ranks 6th in military expendituresThe U.S. ranks 19th in state successThe U.S. ranks 12th in prosperityThe U.S. ranks 50th in erection lengthThe U.S.ranks 2nd in out of pocket health expensesThe U.S. ranks 3rd in liking the United States

Alright, like I said, there’s a bunch of the bullshit no one cares about. Also, like, most of those rankings are 3-4 years old now, so who gives a shit anyway, am I right?

Now that I laid the literal SMACKDOWN on you foreign dummies, let’s get that chant going from all the true Americans out there, from the mountains to the prairies…

U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s