You know, you just don’t hear about how great the United States is anymore. I mean, really, when was the last time you were out on the street, and suddenly everybody broke out into a “U!S!A!” chant? Too long, I’m sure! This, my friends, is a full-blown national crisis, and I simply cannot abide it.
Yes, the entire world still knows we’re number one, but I feel like we never rub it in their stupid faces anymore. It’s like we’ve decided as a nation to “rise above” that, which, in my mind, is a nice way of saying, we’re going soft. I mean, how else are we supposed to assert our dominance over every other country without a nice, hardy bitchslap from time to time?
Well, America, you’re welcome, because I’m prepared to do just that! Freedom is not free, after all. I’m writing this blog to remind all you other bullshit “countries” out there who’s still the fuckin’ boss! SPRINGSTEEN STYLE! You get what I’m saying…
Let me break y’all off a piece by starting off with some international rankings in which the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA tops the fuckin’ charts. I found another great blog called “Ranking America” that has broken it all down for your viewing pleasure, which I used to cite all these great sources.
Alright, other countries, read ’em and weep:
*Suck it, East Germany.
*What’s really impressive about this statistic, is that it’s only made up of 1% of our population. SAY WHAT!?
*KEEPING CRIME OFF THE STREETS, BATMAN STYLE, BITCHES!
*This one is a no-brainer. Shit, I’ve got six boxes in the fridge right now.
*Which leads me to my next point…
*Yeah, and probably first in super sexy, plump lips, too.
*WHAT Y’ALL KNOW ABOUT HORSES!?
*This is what I’m sayin’, don’t fuck with us. (I’m lookin’ at you, PUTIN.)
*God damn right we do. AMEN.
*L’CHAIM, JEW FRIENDS!
*Duh, Second Amendment.
*See above. ^
*What the fuck does that mean? Never mind that one, it sounds stupid.
*Yeah, back to the real shit. SAY CHEESE, BITCHES!
*That diesel don’t run on rays of sunshine, know what I mean?
*I think they misspelled “nuculer”, but #whatevs.
*I mean, that’s just fucking cool.
*Is that even a real sentence?
*TOUGH PILL TO SWALLOW, HUH CHINA?
*This explains New York.
*SUCKS TO SUCK, RUSSIA.
I mean, COME ON! The hits just keep on comin’! This list could go on for days and days, literally. However, because I like to keep things fair and balanced, I’ll even throw out some things in which the U.S. of A. isn’t number one. That’s right, we’re so badass that we can highlight our LOWLIGHTS. Besides, most of that shit is dumb anyway, and we already got all the important ones out of the way (*ehem*, GDP, *cough*, super rich, *cough*).
Without further ad-… uh, adoo?… adyou?.. Fuck it, no more waiting, here you go:
The U.S. ranks 33rd in internet download speeds, The U.S. ranks 46th in freedom of the press, The U.S. ranks 26th in child well-being, The U.S. ranks 24th in literacy, The U.S. ranks 19th in perceived honesty, The U.S. ranks 27th in leisure and personal care, The U.S. ranks 17th in happiness, The U.S. ranks 99th in peacefulness, The U.S. ranks 11th in working hard, The U.S. ranks 24th in freedom from corruption, The U.S. ranks 9th in retirement security, The U.S. ranks 6th in public expenditures on health care, The U.S. ranks 22nd in gender equality, The U.S. ranks 10th in economic freedom, The U.S. ranks 29th in intellectual property protection, The U.S. ranks 23rd in wage distribution, The U.S. ranks 31st in condom use at first sex, The U.S. ranks 10th in purchasing power of minimum wage, The U.S. ranks 11th in minimum wage, The U.S. ranks 125th in GDP growth per capita, The U.S. ranks 7th in homicides, The U.S. ranks 17th in educational performance, The U.S. ranks 6th in military expenditures, The U.S. ranks 19th in state success, The U.S. ranks 12th in prosperity, The U.S. ranks 50th in erection length, The U.S.ranks 2nd in out of pocket health expenses, The U.S. ranks 3rd in liking the United States
Alright, like I said, there’s a bunch of the bullshit no one cares about. Also, like, most of those rankings are 3-4 years old now, so who gives a shit anyway, am I right?
Now that I laid the literal SMACKDOWN on you foreign dummies, let’s get that chant going from all the true Americans out there, from the mountains to the prairies…
U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A!