People You Shouldn’t Trust

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Trust is probably a good thing in a lot of instances. I’ve always heard you should trust someone until they give you a reason not to. That’s a great idea, unless of course that person is a really good liar.. Either way..

I generally believe that people are sort of honest most of the time, and overall not so bad. For that reason, I think it’s a good policy to give people the benefit of the doubt. However, there are some people who should never be trusted under any circumstances. Maybe you’re thinking this sounds very closed-minded of me. Maybe you’re thinking I’m about to generalize large groups of people on a very shallow basis. Maybe you’re right.

Here’s how I see it: everyone has some giveaway traits that allow you to see straight to the core of that person’s being. These can be good and bad, of course. For instance, you go into someone’s apartment. It’s very clean. You think, “Ah, how nice, they are very clean. They are most likely pretty organized and detail oriented, blah blah, whatever.” Or, for example, let’s say you’re friend offers to give you a ride. You’ve never been in their car before. They pull up, you open the door, and you find realize they drive a dumpster.

Yes, I’m judging you a little bit. This provides me with information that tells me who you are. If you’re driving around in a car straight out of an episode of Hoarders, I know you are one of, if not all of the following: lazy, gross, SUPER fucking busy, or you just don’t give a shit.

A dirty car is one thing, but in my eyes, it’s not going to make me lose all trust in you as a rational human being. Yes, I’ll definitely give you shit about it. Yes, it’s a pet peeve of mine, but I can get over it. However, for some, your dirty ass car might change their outlook on you forever.

Which brings me to my point. Here are some of the things that, if they apply to you, I personally can’t trust you. Can’t do it. In my opinion, because you fall into one of these categories, you are a reckless human being, and I now question every other decision you make. Now, some of these may sound a bit more serious than others, but in my opinion, these sins are all equally unforgivable. Because we all know the internet loves a good list, here are my top 10 in no particular order:

People who open food items poorly. You cannot possibly open a bag of chips without DESTROYING the bag. When you open the cereal, it looks like you cut the bag vertically with a dull pocket knife, and let the contents fall into the box, as if that’s the way it should be done. You are a crazy person. Are you going to eat the entire box of cereal right now, or do you just love stale Lucky Charms? I don’t trust you. You’re reckless.

Politicians. I don’t think I need to elaborate on this one. No matter who they are, if they are a part of the current system of government, can’t trust ’em. Not even a little. Maybe if you can find me a politician who doesn’t take copious amounts of money from huge corporate donors, then maybe they can be trusted a little. Good luck.

People who leave the cap off of a bottle of soda. First of all, I can’t fathom how you got this lazy. What brought you to this point? You know you’re increasing the chances of that drink spilling all over the fucking place by at least 100%, right? “I’m careful.” My ass. You’re a loose fucking cannon, that’s what you are.

Bad tippers. Unless your server literally told you to go fuck yourself, you probably have no reason to be such a shitty tipper. You try to justify your actions, “yeah, they just weren’t that great, she wasn’t very helpful, he was short with me, they forgot my chips, it took an awful long time, blah blah blah, etc” BULLSHIT. When was the last time you tipped really well? Has that ever happened? Does your server have to give you exceptional, top-notch service for you to be willing to give them the socially acceptable minimum tip? Do they need to suck your dick under the table to get 20%? Fuck you. You either look for a reason to be cheap, or you are admittedly a dick. Either way, I don’t trust you, you’re a bad person.

People who eat in the car on their way home from the drive-thru. I’m speaking only of the people who drove 5-10 minutes to the drive-thru and simply cannot wait that same 5-10 minutes to get home before cramming their entire meal into their stupid face. YOU SERIOUSLY CAN’T WAIT THAT LONG? You’d rather drop fries and shit deep down between your car seats where you know you’ll never clean it out, so your car has this deep-fried KIA smell for the rest of eternity. The only time this is okay is when you’re eating an ice cream cone, and it’s hot as shit out, but even then, you’ve made a bad decision in the first place. You’re impatience is legendary, and now I can’t trust you, you devilish maniac.

Republicans. “Whoa, Tyler, are you seriously saying you don’t trust a single Republican?” Yes, everyone who identifies as a member or supporter of the GOP. I just don’t trust you at all and I couldn’t if I tried. You have obviously either completely lost all touch with reality, or you’re extremely rich and doing your best to take advantage of the working class and elderly populations by playing on their emotional weaknesses. Maybe it’s not your fault; you’ve been swept up into the media frenzy, you’ve bought what’s being sold, in which case your problem is you’re too trusting. Maybe you are “a Republican, but I’m fiscally conservative and socially liberal”, in which case, you’re not a Republican, you’re probably a Libertarian. But there’s good news; unless the GOP changes dramatically in the coming years, it will completely die out, which is something to look forward to. Anyway, sorry, I can’t trust you.

People who wipe their ass standing up. Nope. No way. There is no way you’re cleaning anything. I mean, it doesn’t take a physicist to understand that you’re getting zero leverage when you stand up and close up your ass cheeks, then try to reach back up in there, fighting to get past your butt fat… it just doesn’t make any fucking sense! If this is how you live your life, how can I trust you with anything? Go take a shower, you animal.

Super religious people. “Hey now, buddy, I know a lot of great religious people. Are you serious?” Yep, might step on some toes with this one, but we all know I’m kinda into that. In this group, I’m focusing mainly on my friends the Christians, but more specifically, the folks who use their religion to oppress others and to justify their ignorance and hatred. AKA the least Christ-like people in the world. Also, anyone who buys into blind faith as a decent policy, people who believe every word of the Bible to be true, people who believe if you don’t believe what they do you’re going to “Hell”, so on and so forth. Obviously, these people can’t be trusted because they refuse to make reasonable decisions.

People who are always grammatically incorrect. Everybody makes mistakes. No one is perfect here. However, some of you are unbelievable. It’s like you’re doing it on purpose. Maybe grammar just doesn’t matter anymore in “the digital age” or what the fuck ever you want to call it. I personally think the #YOLO generation is killing grammar, because #YOLO. Look, all I’m asking is that you work on “your and you’re”, “to, two, and too”, and “there, their, and they’re”. That’s all I need from you. That, and use a comma once in a while. I can’t understand your dumb fucking run-on sentence Facebook status, and I can’t trust you.

The ultra-wealthy. “Tyler… are you a goddamned communist?” Now what would give you that impression!? No, folks, I’m not a communist, I just see some problems with our current political and economic system, and I think many of those problems can be a attributed to this small group, which effectively holds all the power in our “democracy”. See, when our economy is essentially run by a small group of large corporations, and when these same corporations are able  to donate as much money as they want to our politicians in order to get them elected, our entire democracy is undermined, and the interests of the people are forgone in place of the interests of the private sector. Now, we know that when the middle class thrives, so does the entire economy. We also know that since public policy has shifted toward benefiting only the interests of the private sector, this just hasn’t been the case. So, because I’m poor myself, I just can’t trust the ultra-wealthy.

Hopefully, I haven’t offended anyone here, but if I have, it’s because you’re an untrustworthy, crazy person, and you need to change your reckless lifestyle. You should stop it.

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